i am not ashamed

 "We seek the Lord's will time and time again. God tells us to tell others about Jesus. We know this is what He wants from us, and we want to do it..yet, why is it so hard for us to become excited about doing it, why do we put so much focus on things that really don't matter instead?"

i met him for the first time tonight. yet, as my brother in Christ we already were connected. this wasn't a conversation about evangelism. it had nothing to do with apathy over the gospel. yet these words he spoke were intertwined into the conversation just for me.

he didn't know that i lay crying in my bed last night, my head spinning, struggling because i knew i didn't have the passion i was supposed to have for sharing Jesus with people. "how can you say you love Jesus and not tell other people about Him?" the question made me sick to my stomach. i tossed and i turned. i texted my struggle to a dear friend. they didn't have the words, as much as they wanted to say the words that would mend. i finally got some sleep, but when i awoke my heart was still heavy. i was going to bring it up to a group of friends, but instead, God interjected, in a place i had never been.

the above words of a brother in Christ soothed my soul. he didn't know my struggle, but the Spirit did. he didn't know that God was speaking through him straight to me. although my fight against apathy had not been won, knowing i wasn't the only one gave me the courage to keep fighting. it put my focus back on fighting the real issue, instead of fighting the lies inside of me ("you are the worst person ever.").

i am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes..

i am not ashamed to admit that I need Jesus to help me admit that i need Jesus.

i am not ashamed to admit that I need Jesus to rid me of my apathy.

i am not ashamed that I need Jesus to help me admit that it is only Jesus' love in me that will compel me to share His love to others.

i am not ashamed that i need Jesus to tell other people they need Jesus..they need Jesus to give them the grace to have the faith to trust Jesus.

i am not ashamed that i need Jesus to help me love Jesus. and He will.

“Have you ever wondered what it feels like to have a love for the lost? This is a term we use as part of our Christian jargon. Many believers search their hearts in condemnation, looking for the arrival of some feeling of benevolence that will propel them into bold evangelism. It will never happen. It is impossible to love 'the lost.' You can’t feel deeply for an abstraction or a concept. You would find it impossible to love deeply an unfamiliar individual portrayed in a photograph, let alone a nation or a race or something as vague as 'all lost people.' Don’t wait for a feeling or love in order to share Christ with a stranger. You already love your heavenly Father, and you know that this stranger is created by Him, but separated from Him, so take those first steps in evangelism because you love God. It is not primarily out of compassion for humanity that we share our faith or pray for the lost; it is first of all, love for God.” -John Piper