for the long haul

when i close my eyes i can see him more clearly today than i have in quite sometime.
hunched over a little, scooting around, singing his favorite hymn, huffing and puffing.
i hear him laughing, i hear his whistle, i hear his "woooooo" when he was winning at SkipBo.
i see him eating a piece of toast or cake, sipping on his coffee.
i see him waddling from his fishing boat to the shed to clean the fish, wearing his fishing hat.
yes, he is wearing trousers and a plaid shirt.
i see him sitting in his chair doing a crossword puzzle.
snooring while he is "watching" the cubs game.
telling the players on the Price is Right how they should play.
i hear him praying his simple, yet beautiful prayer.
i heart him whispering his observations in my ear.
i see him reach for my grandma's hand.
i feel him grab my big toe.
i see his tears well up in his eyes.
i remember the last time we played SkipBo and I let him win.
"amy, this is probably the last time you'll ever play with me."
it was..unless in Heaven I get a rematch.

i'm really missing my grandpa today. he's been showing up a lot lately.
last night in my dreams.
today as i went to a dear brother's grandpa's funeral.
"the cobbler shop" was on the way the funeral, the same name as my grandpa's shoe repair store.
the wife's name was betty, just like my grandma's.

here's the thing..
when someone dies everyone rallies together to support and encourage you for two weeks to a month.
you are caught up in all of the funeral activities and what not.
but what about when everyone goes back to their normal lives?
when the support stops coming because people move on.
for those directly connect to the loss, their life is no longer normal
 moving on is a process and there is no time table.
when the initial shock of it all calms down is when the grieving process begins.
the day to day minus such a significant part, a significant someone.
the memories weaving throughout the days.
the pain may leave, but the ache, the pings and pangs continue.
it's not just one goodbye..it takes time.

we carry each other's burdens with such brevity.
we need to mourn with eachother for the long haul.

remember that when you don't have the words to say,
never underestimate the ministry of presence in someone's life today.

little is much

“I've come to see that you can limit God is different ways. You can limit Him by thinking He can never work in spectacular ways. But you can also limit Him by thinking that only the spectacular is meaningful." - Joshua Harris

 ring. ring. ring.
"hello."
"..yes maam, i was wondering if i could ask you a few questions.."
"..well you see my son had a lot of heart problems and so he was in and out of school, nobody from the church came to visit..he's gone through so much depression, won't step foot in the church anymore, hangs out with the wrong crowd, and is no longer wants anything to do with youth ministry like he was so passionate about before..and me, i don't go to that church anymore either..that was probably more than you wanted to hear, but there it is.."
"maam i am so sorry. i do not understand why we get hurt the most by the church. i am so sorry the church was not there when you needed it the most. would it be okay if i prayed for you and your son?..Abba, Father, Lord.."
"thank you, i needed that so bad."
nothing but sniffles and tears.

"hello."
"yes, i received a call from this number about someone wanting to ask me some questions.."
"yes maam.."
"..well i've been dealing with chronic headaches and issues with my back for years now. i'm tired of taking medicine and i do not know whether or not i should have this surgery. but my life has been pretty much taken away from me and i'm just tired of it.."
"well maam have you felt the Lord drawing you nearer during this time?"
"absolutely."
 "i know it's hard to believe but pain and suffering is blessing when it pulls us closer to Jesus. maam, may i pray for you..?
"please!"
"Abba, Father, Lord..."
"thank you so much. what a blessing. i honestly wasn't going to call back today because i really didn't feel like talking to anyone, but now i know why i did."
nothing but sniffles and tears.

today we called over 100 people.
it drug us down. we were discouraged and frustrated in what we viewed as mundane.
but God intervened to show us that the "small" things are HUGE things.
after these two calls..we stood in awe.
we looked at each other and were amazed.
humbled.

see each moment as an opportunity.
be available and open to conversation, be open to listen.
you never know how much someone has built up on the inside.
let it bubble over on you.
don't limit Him, and when He moves don't act surprised.
"tbat's my God."
be thankful, give Him the glory [even when your heart will try to take it].
  
little is much when God's in it.

there has to be some kind of intuition between guys and cars. [i'm not saying girls can't know anything about them, or fix them, but there's just something about a guy and a car].

my car wouldn't start, i assumed the worst.
"time for a new car."

he lifted up the hood and said,  "oh you just have some corrosion on the copper wire that connects to the battery. let's throw some coke on it, get it cleaned up and run to Auto Zone and grab a part and i'll pop it right on."

excuse me what? it was as if he was speaking a foreign language to me. but as i sit and watched my brother work on my car, fiddling with various tools, i could not help but celebrate the differences between males and females. God knew what He was doing, He always does. but it is easy at times to find our differences frustrating rather than beautiful.

biblical manhood and womanhood should be celebrated, daily. this protects the unity in the body.

Charlee, my car, is now up and running in all her glory thanks to this brother of mine..

i'm SO glad God made Adam.

until you feel the weight of your sin,
you will never know how heavy grace is.

seeing your sin is in itself a gift.
crushing. thick. burden. sinking. stuck.
will the haze ever lift?

here comes the rushing wave.
embraced in grace, washed in the blood
here it comes, just as a flood. 
soaked. caked. swimming. splashing. spinning.

you're not banished from here,
as you bring your sin to the table He is drawing you near.

a snow storm in August

Seasons of life, seasons of the soul, seasons of nature, seasons. I love this concept and seeing things through the lens of seasons. I love asking others what season they find themselves in, what the theme is of the season they are walking in. I love comparing seasons of life with seasons in nature. When I was an RA I themed my hall around the seasons of the soul. Seasons are how I understand life. But what about when the season is unclear? Like a snow storm in the middle of August.  

 “Lord, if someone were to ask me what season I am in right now I don’t think I’d be able to answer them…everything seems too scattered to put into words…I don’t really know where I am at.” My heart spoke.

But who says that in itself is not a season? A season of not knowing your season. A season of transition.  A season of finding a new normal. A season where God is hard to find, even though you know He is there [and in this you catch yourself focusing so much on the actual act of seeking that you miss Him all together]. A season where you aren’t seeing your growth but sense it gradually. The pot is stirring inside, God is cooking something up. When the time has reached it fulfillment spring will come and the bud will bloom, breaking through the callouses on your heart. But what if it doesn’t? God is still God. And life will still go on. 

Because seasons DO change, just not always in the “natural” order.

a case of the squirms

held yet squirrming.
like a baby kicking in the arms of their parent.
"stay right here, stop moving. just be here."
finally sighing. movement stopped.
just sitting and letting the moment be the moment without
trying to run away from it or make it more than it needed to be.
simplicity.

so many times i plea with Abba to just hold me,
but the thing i don't realize is that He already is.
even when i don't feel it.
so i continue to squirm, moving about from side to side.
trying to do more. productivity.
i try to get up out of His lap when He is bidding:
"stay right here, stop moving. just be here with Me."


i'm rocked back and forth.
the squirms are soothed.

the surprise element

i went to see the dark night rises at 11:25 p.m. last night, hence, i didn't get to blog. so consider this yesterday's post..

 ServantU..what.a.week.

last night was the last night of camp and campers gave testimonies about the week in front of the parents. a girl from my track which i had served beside this week got up and shared.

she told the group about how awesome she thought her leaders were and that they all called me "mommy amy." she went on to tell the group about how i would never tell them where they were going or what they were doing next. i wouldn't tell them what they were doing for late night or where they'd be going for their service project. the only thing i would say is "don't worry..i'm going to take care of you."

little did i know that my love for the surprise element of camp would teach us all a lesson. i am humbled by the way God uses something so small to teach something so significant, how in His BIGness He uses my smallness to impact. the girl went on to explain that this helped her understand how her future/plans must be given completely to God. she does not know what is next and she doesn't need to know because she knows God has got it. she doesn't have to try to figure it out, but simply live.

we don't really know what the next moment will bring. the next moment might surprise us, but it won't surprise our Omniscient God. all we can do is live life in this moment. let the moment be, not afraid of what it is.

ride the wave.

live life here and hear Him say, "don't worry..I'm going to take care of you." it's a promise, and He is the Promise Keeper.

i can't be your hero

it's amazing to me the story hidden beneath, how much people bottle in.
we don't talk about it because we think we're not supposed to. but that's a lie from the enemy.
there is power,  healing power in talking about what is plaguing your mind and heart. talking it out is a release. we find ourselves..stuck. talking about what's going on is the oil that gets the healing wheel turning.
it's amazing to me how these conversations can get going, how real talk can come about at the most spontaneous times.

why is it that people are comfortable talking to complete strangers (counselors) about their issues rather than the people closest to them? you go to them and talk things out, but they don't do life with you daily. what do you do when someone pours their heart out on you and you know that you'll never get to see them again? what do you do when it breaks your heart and you carry their pain around with you? what do you do when someone is dying inside and there is nothing you can do to help them? when they don't even want help? when they believe the way things are is the way they will always be?

"amy, you can't be everyone's hero. it's not your job to save people, Jesus already came to do that."
this is hard for me to accept at times, but it is such a freeing truth.

i can't imagine the burdens some people are carrying out there, hearing theirs makes mine seem easy to bear.
today listened to things it hurts my heart to hear about.
it doesn't make sense to me, but i know You're working for your glory.

want to be with you

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going” (John 14:1-4).

These words, spoken by Jesus, I have read countless times. But today I saw them and understood them in a different light. And it spoke exactly into a deep issue in my heart right now.

The title in my Bible above the passage is “Jesus Comforts His Disciples.” How does He choose to comfort them? By expressing to them His deep desire to be with them, to take them to the place where He is going. He comforts and quiets their hearts by simply saying, “I want to be with you so bad that I am going to go to the utmost extent to make sure you can be with Me forever. I am going to go away and leave you so that I can prepare the place for you, but also because My going away, My death and resurrection, is what makes a way for you. I WANT TO BE WITH YOU. TRUST ME. TRUST THAT I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.”

God constantly wants to be with us, actually in His omnipresence He is always is with us. Yet, the thing is we aren’t always with Him are we? There is many a time when we are distant from God for a variety of reasons. That distance, that lack of fellowship puts a strain in our relationship with our Lord and spills over into many aspects of our lives. Yet, even when that distance is there, even when we are the ones who create it by not making the time to fellowship with Jesus, God is still desperately wanting us to be with Him, because He will stop at nothing to be with us. He chooses to love us despite the distance we/circumstances create between us and Him. He pursues us even when we are not pursuing Him.

There’s a distance in my relationships. Life has caused a strain, a lack of fellowship which has left me fighting the lie that I’m going to be left, alone. My heart, is troubled, and it troubles me that it is troubled. I want so much to be wanted. I want so much to hear the words “I want to be with you,” but more than that, I want them to actually be with me, and I want to be with them. It feels stagnant. Yet, I have learned that it is in this moment where I must choose to love despite the distance. Even when  I’m not being intentionally pursued I must keep pursuing. Because this earthly relationship reveals a glimpse that that’s what Jesus does for me…I create the distance, but He still says calls out “come be with Me!” Not that He needs me, but wants me.

I need Jesus to help me believe that Jesus wants to be with me. I need Jesus to help me believe that He is all I need, even when others can’t/don’t want to be with me. 

Tonight I chatted with a friend about the song “Without You.” This song pretty much equates life to a person. Without that person, nothing is the same. She asked “what if we viewed this song as singing it to Jesus? What if we lived as though these words were true with our relationship with Him? What if we not only knew but lived like we were nothing without Him?”

I can't win, I can't reign
I will never win this game
Without you, without you
I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you

I won't run, I won't fly
I will never make it by
Without you, without you
I can't rest, I can't fight
All I need is you and I,
Without you, without you

Oh oh oh!
You! You! You!
Without...
You! You! You!
Without... you

Can't erase, so I'll take blame
But I can't accept that we're estranged
Without you, without you
I can't quit now, this can't be right
I can't take one more sleepless night  (what if you  lived your life as if you couldn’t sleep if you hadn’t talked to Jesus that day?)
Without you, without you

I won't soar, I won't climb
If you're not here, I'm paralyzed
Without you, without you
I can't look, I'm so blind
I lost my heart, I lost my mind
Without you, without you

Oh oh oh!
You! You! You!
Without...
You! You! You!
Without... you

I am lost, I am vain,
I will never be the same
Without you, without you
Without... you 

surprised by desire

getting to serve at the Irving headquarters of this beautiful ministry reminded me of how big God is today, watching this movie moved me like I haven’t been moved in a long time..

I’ve been to other countries, but the time gap since the last time I went has left me focused on such a small spectrum, my world is too small. Zambia reminds me of how small I am, and how BIG God is.

it’s interesting to me to think about all the times something has pricked my heart and I’ve responded with “I want to do that!” then, the spark fades away, and my good intentions mean squat.

sometimes I think that my heart can only be fully invested to one people group, one ministry, one age level [but when I look at the way Jesus ministered, He ministered to ALL..God so loved THE WORLD..not just one part of it..therefore, if I’m walking as Jesus did, I should not limit myself..He has freed me to do much to make much of Him] . If you know me, you know I’ve been given a special heart for the elderly. working with them makes me feel most alive, and I’m excited to start taking gerontology classes in the fall..

but today my heart, to my surprise, deeply desired going to Zambia (a place i never heard of before today). and I don’t know what to do with that..what do you do when a desire roots in your heart that seems contrary to the path you are on, yet is a biblical path? how many dreams can be alive at once? when must dreams die so others can actually become reality?

[and the day before my heart desired to work with Down Syndrome kids, and the day before I wanted to go work at a resort in the woods, and the day before I just wanted to be a stay at home mom..needless to say, it varies..and there are different seasons for different things].

“Amy, I have something bigger for you, bigger than what you’ve confined yourself to..”

I heard the Lord speak that into my heart today. I don’t really know how to process it. Exciting? Yes. 

Terrifying? A tad.

where You go, I go..

jumbled

 seeds of change.

"transitions are always hard."
"perhaps the transition to Heaven is the easiest."
heart stopped, sighed, leaped.
Lord, haste the day.

the longing for Home. i don't belong here. an alien and stranger.

what do you see?
microscope on me.
roam to counterfeit homes.
drive nowhere to get somewhere.

gentle warrior. i am a contradiction.

something's gotta give.

windows down, heart pound.
music drowns, silent sounds.

fight or flight.

i'm still on the outside looking inside
and the blinds are closed today.

it's been a long time since there's been a knock at the door,
another tear hits the floor.

the rug ripped from underneath,
but the foundation still firm.

today we have today.

prayer points

prayer has been something i've pondered.
i've kneaded through many questions about prayer.
i'm never going to grasp how prayer works..
but these things i know to be true:

1) Jesus is in constant prayer for me.
2) Jesus prayed, therefore so should I.
3) prayer has changed me.
4) the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
5) God hears.

yesterday i added  a sixth prayer point.

at the start of the summer i began to pray that the Lord would lay it on somebody's heart to give my boyfriend a car. to me this seemed like a selfish prayer to pray. but i was calling on Jehovah Jireh. i don't want to say i was testing God, but i was committing to pray for something because i wanted to see prayer work in such a tangible way. i also wanted Austin to have a car to give him more freedom: to get off campus, to venture out into the world to share Jesus, to be able to go to church more regularly and be able to serve there without worrying whether he would have a ride or not, to glorify God by enjoying Him on random adventures, to be able for him to go home more often to spend time with the family he loved, so that he wouldn't have to borrow a car for us to go on dates, to get to join in sweet fellowship, to be able to ride with the windows rolled down and feel the wind in his hair..

as i continued to pray i knew in my heart God was going to give Austin a car, and I wasn't going to stop praying until He did. there were little confirmations along the way. one night at church the pastor told the story of an elderly lady who had donated her car to the church just as she was on her death bed. it was as if the Lord was saying "amy, I do give cars away.." and i knew He was going to give Austin a car. I kept praying. each time i saw a car that said "for sale" i was reminded to pray.

on Friday Austin told me that his grandparents were contemplating giving him their Cadillac (good thing i love old people (:) . my heart smiled, and i'm sure my face was glowing. "what?" he asked. "God's just cool." was all i could say. "tell me" he said. and i told him about how i had prayed. as i left him, i prayed again, God, please help this to work out.

Saturday Austin texted me and told me his grandpa had called and offered him the car. i was overflowing with thankfulness and joy! i called Austin so he could hear the rejoicing in my voice. yes, i was rejoicing because Austin got a car, but more because God had proven faithful (He always does)! and this i've tucked away as a tangible answer to prayer..

so the sixth prayer point i would add is

6) prayer positions you in a place where you can't help but acknowledge God in your life. prayer points to Him. if i hadn't of prayed for Austin to get a car, would he had gotten one anyway? maybe..probably..who's to say? but if he had would i have thanked God and acknowledge it was Him who gave Austin that car? would i have given Him the glory due His name? not with the same magnitude, if at all. it is easy for us to forget to see God's hand in every detail of our lives. praying for this car positioned me in a view where i couldn't doubt His hand even if i tried..

reach out

i spent the weekend with my roommate at her house in lorena, tx, right outside of waco. after knowing her for four years, i had never experienced, had never known this part of her life. i knew she was from the country, but until i went, saw, felt, smelt, touched this place of her life, i never really knew where she came from. i more fully understand her now. i celebrate her more than i had before. i stood in awe of the uniqueness of the place. "this is SO cool.." i couldn't stop saying.

country roads soothe my soul. . from corn stalks, to gravel roads, craftin, and a blanket of stars. naps and movies. antiquing and going to the farmers market. sunsets. i relaxed..what a foreign, yet gradually more known concept. my soul breathed.

going new places, getting out of the routine and away from the familiar, always makes me more inclined to the Lord. it seems as though i notice Him more in these places. am able to hear Him more clearly.

this weekend i pondered the question: why am i who i am? why out of everyone am i living where i'm living, doing what i'm doing? how did God choose my personality for me? why do i act certain ways and love certain things? why do i enjoy this set of things, and not another? why was she raised in the country, and i in a suburb? will i one day settle in the country?

"From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us." -Acts 12:26-27

i reached this weekend, and found.

places and faces

the winds of change are blustering once again. today I stand on the borderline: reaping and reminiscing the end of this season, while looking upon the vast horizon of the next. one sun sets, the other one rises; each with their own exquisite beauty. but here I stand in the middle of the dusk and the dawn.

i’ve learned that places are just places. it’s the people that make them come alive. you could go see the seven wonders of the world, but the person standing next to you that you get to share your wonder and awe with, they enhance that experience.  you could be sitting in a junkyard, but if you enjoy the company of your companion next to you, you think that junkyard isn’t so junky.

working in an office, behind a desk, dealing with numbers has been my place for the past 6 months. not exactly the place i would have put myself. but the family i have made here, they are what makes letting go so hard. humans are sick, nasty, gross, sinful. but oh the beauty of the redeemed soul! oh how i celebrate the uniqueness of the individual, especially their little quirks that make them, them.  they have changed the daily grind into something spectacular. they’ve opened my heart and mind to a whole new world. they’ve given me yet another example of the body of Christ, each person with their own expertise, their own place, their own job in the body that only THEY can do..none elevated above the other, each desperately needed to make the body move.  together we have fought the lie that the mundane things aren’t spectacular, but have just as much potential for God’s glory. memories flood. laughs. tears. frustration. rejoicing. mourning. memories. although i’ll leave this place today and not be here tomorrow, nobody can take yesterday.

bittersweet the taste on my tongue. it's hard to leave the family here. “you’ll make family wherever you go..” he said, trying to ease the bitter. although this is true, it doesn't make it easier.

did i leave something behind that said "i was here?" is it selfish to want that? to know you made a mark? and even if i did, it was not me, but He (but sometimes that's hard to believe). is it wrong to want to be missed? they've left a mark, they will be missed by me.

there are no goodbyes in Christ. the beautiful thing about family is family is always family. and when it comes to the family of God, you're sealed for eternity. you can’t be unborn into family. so, in the end, your family never really changes, it only gets bigger, with different branches on your family tree. i’m carrying them all with me.

places are just spaces, life is about faces.

those won't be the last time i find myself changing places, moving spaces, about to be born into something new. but there is one thing i know to be true. there will be a day when i will arrive at an eternal place, i’ll end my journey Home. it is sure to be a wondrous place, the Greatest Place, a Holy Place. but the thing that will make Heaven, Heaven is that I will gaze upon His face.

i am not ashamed

 "We seek the Lord's will time and time again. God tells us to tell others about Jesus. We know this is what He wants from us, and we want to do it..yet, why is it so hard for us to become excited about doing it, why do we put so much focus on things that really don't matter instead?"

i met him for the first time tonight. yet, as my brother in Christ we already were connected. this wasn't a conversation about evangelism. it had nothing to do with apathy over the gospel. yet these words he spoke were intertwined into the conversation just for me.

he didn't know that i lay crying in my bed last night, my head spinning, struggling because i knew i didn't have the passion i was supposed to have for sharing Jesus with people. "how can you say you love Jesus and not tell other people about Him?" the question made me sick to my stomach. i tossed and i turned. i texted my struggle to a dear friend. they didn't have the words, as much as they wanted to say the words that would mend. i finally got some sleep, but when i awoke my heart was still heavy. i was going to bring it up to a group of friends, but instead, God interjected, in a place i had never been.

the above words of a brother in Christ soothed my soul. he didn't know my struggle, but the Spirit did. he didn't know that God was speaking through him straight to me. although my fight against apathy had not been won, knowing i wasn't the only one gave me the courage to keep fighting. it put my focus back on fighting the real issue, instead of fighting the lies inside of me ("you are the worst person ever.").

i am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes..

i am not ashamed to admit that I need Jesus to help me admit that i need Jesus.

i am not ashamed to admit that I need Jesus to rid me of my apathy.

i am not ashamed that I need Jesus to help me admit that it is only Jesus' love in me that will compel me to share His love to others.

i am not ashamed that i need Jesus to tell other people they need Jesus..they need Jesus to give them the grace to have the faith to trust Jesus.

i am not ashamed that i need Jesus to help me love Jesus. and He will.

“Have you ever wondered what it feels like to have a love for the lost? This is a term we use as part of our Christian jargon. Many believers search their hearts in condemnation, looking for the arrival of some feeling of benevolence that will propel them into bold evangelism. It will never happen. It is impossible to love 'the lost.' You can’t feel deeply for an abstraction or a concept. You would find it impossible to love deeply an unfamiliar individual portrayed in a photograph, let alone a nation or a race or something as vague as 'all lost people.' Don’t wait for a feeling or love in order to share Christ with a stranger. You already love your heavenly Father, and you know that this stranger is created by Him, but separated from Him, so take those first steps in evangelism because you love God. It is not primarily out of compassion for humanity that we share our faith or pray for the lost; it is first of all, love for God.” -John Piper

just when i think i've found the answer,
you go and change the question.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time.
 He has also set eternity in the hearts of men;
yet they cannot fathom what God has done from
beginning to end." -Ecclesiastics 3:11

a reason to sing

five oclock bells..the work day done again. but it's now time for my heart to come undone.
 frustration ensues once again, lurking unwilling in the unknown.

"can i call you real quick?" the dear friend texts.
i dial.
"how are you?"
those three words unleash it all,
the tears start rolling within a few seconds of the call.
"i just don't understand." all i can say.
she listens. she knows. she prays.
trusting, even when we can't.
"thank you, for everything."
"love you, bye."

a few minutes later. she sends me this song, tells me to turn it up loud. repeat on, i'm soaking in it all night long.



"when i'm overcome by fear and hate everything i know, if this waiting lasts forever, i'm afraid i might let go."

and my heart is strengthened. the storm still rages, He has not calmed. but His child no longer raging, a song He used to soothe. and that is a reason to sing.

willing to see..

well, last night i got off of work, did two hours of reading, then settled down on the sofa with a bag of popcorn, candles burning and watched The Wedding Planner. there's just a softness and calmness to that movie that soothes me. i had intended to do a few things after the movie finished, including blog for the day. but the next thing i knew i was waking up and my watch read 2 a.m. i had been asleep for about 5 hours at this point. i thought: "well..there goes everything i needed to do. i could try to stay up and do some of it.."but the voice calling me to climb in bed was louder. so i stumbled to my room and jumped up in bed.

for me, nights like these are seldom. i don't remember the last time i ever had a night like this to myself, because relaxing is hard for me. my over achiever personality always presses me to get something accomplished. but in all truth, i did accomplish something last night. it takes more strength to simply be still. everything inside of me screamed that it was wrong for me to sit and watch the movie, but i kept turning to the Lord. i asked Him "Lord, please help me to be able to enjoy You by enjoying this movie." thoughts of you need to be doing this or that flooded my mind. but i stayed on the sofa, chomping on one piece of popcorn after the other. "you're being lazy..you're being selfish..remember that time you read Crazy Love  and Francis Chan talked about a lady who never watched a movie because she didn't want to be found watching a movie when Jesus came back? shouldn't you be out telling people about Jesus?" these were rough for me to battle. and maybe they weren't all lies. but what i do know is that my heart desperately was seeking to glorify God by sitting on the sofa watching a movie. "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him" (Colossians 3:17). my whatever last night was watching a movie.



now to what i was actually going to blog about last night:


why do we feel ashamed of the places we need God?

"...Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong"(2 Corinthians 12:7-10).

we are GIVEN the places we are lacking in our lives for God to remind us of our need for Him. God is not unaware of them. so why do we think we need to hide them? why do we try to remove these thorns or lessen their torment when they are a form of grace to show us how much we need Jesus? we have been twisted by the lie of shame. the admitting of our needs is the conduit which leaks the power of Christ into our life. Christ's power is released each time we say "i'm weak...Lord, i NEED you."  it is our constant acknowledgment of our desperate need for Him that makes us the strongest, because we lean into Strength Himself. we don't have to fear exposing the places where we need God, rather we should fear the lie which tells us to keep them hidden. we should tremble at the thought of being blinded to our need for Jesus. in the world we are told that dependence is a sign of immaturity, but in the Kingdom dependence is the surest sign of maturity in Christ. dependence lies in knowing you are in great need.

"the space in which we are stuck, lacking, broken and in need, is the space in us that longs for God" (Jennie Allen).

 why long for God? because He is the ONLY thing that is dependable..always..whether we believe it or not. God's dependability does not rely on our dependency. we must remember that our dependency on Christ never starts with us, but with His holy dependability. it is only when we see God for all He is that we can really understand our need for Him.

will you join me in this prayer Pete Wilson included in a recent blog?:
“God, help me to know me. Help me tear down the scaffolding of power, praise, perfectionism, and performance that I use to prop myself up. Strengthen me so I can bear to be naked and vulnerable in Your presence, willing to see the areas of my life where Christ-likeness is so lacking.” “Willing to see”—that’s crucial. Because most of us are experts at hiding from what we don’t want to know about our own lives...We actually fool ourselves into thinking that if we don’t acknowledge the areas of our lives where we’ve bought into empty promises, maybe God won’t notice them either.

God's been surfacing many areas in my life where Christ-likeness is lacking, but i haven't been very willing to see them (another area where i need Him). He has been ripping down the walls I have tried to hide behind, taking away the comforts which i've clung to..to the point of moments where i am weeping and the only thing that i can say is "I need Jesus." these moments have been some of the most heart wrenching, yet most powerful moments of my life. and as I continue on this journey, i know there will be more painful realizations. but i want to be willing to see these areas..and it is only by His power that i can be willing to see them. i don't want to be ashamed of them. because i want more, need more of Jesus..and it is the willingness which releases the Spirit to transform me into the likeness of Christ. it is choosing the thorn each day that leaves me wounded in His presence, and the wound is the quickest way for God to get to my heart.

but in all of this i must not focus on myself and my need, but rather on the fullness of His majesty and sufficiency for this is the only thing that will catapult me into Christ-likeness. i can't muster up the momentum to move out of the places where i am stuck and needy in my life. i can but, by His strength, turn my eyes upon Jesus..

"we must move our eyes from our sin to God or we will stay stuck in our sin" (Jennie Allen).

unto the King eternal..

"All glory and honor forever to You, O God
All glory and honor forever to You, my King eternal
To You, my King eternal
To you, my King eternal
Unto the King Eternal
Unto the Lord Immortal
Unto the God invisible
You alone are wise"

tonight i joined in with brothers and sisters singing this to our Lord. as i sat thoughts of those who have gone before me entered my mind. as i sang "my King eternal," i thought about those who have walked and worshiped before me. the great cloud of witnesses that surround me..

this picture of brothers and sisters in the 1870-1880s (Little House on the Prairie time) worshiping Jesus came to my mind. i thought about how different their style of worship may have been, but that their hearts were the same as mine. i saw a girl with a bonnet on her head reading her Bible on a bench. and i realized that girl probably faced the same longing for me of Jesus that i do..

then i began to think back on WWI and WWII. i pictured soldiers singing songs of praise, quoting pslam 23.

then i thought of brothers and sisters all around the world who were joining in with me at the exact same moment singing praises to the King..

i felt a different freedom in worship than i have ever felt before..i felt corporate worship on a whole new level as i connected not only with those in the same room as me, but those from centuries past. those who i have an eternal relationship with..

then i was reminded of a conversation i once had about the fact that because God is outside of time..and that opened us to think: in this present moment as i sing and cry out to Jesus, i am also being seen by Jesus as He is hanging on the cross in excruciating pain. could it be that our worshiping encouraged the heart of Jesus while He hung there? doesn't this perspective change the way you worship in song?!

a memory of the future

ladies, i pray that each and every one of you get to experience the beauty of men who deeply love and cherish Jesus. whose hearts are redeemed and saturated in the blood of Christ. who know they still have sin in their hearts, but ache for it to be put to death. who are filled with righteous anger when truth is tainted, when a false gospel is preached. men who are courageous, but have enough courage to admit their deep rooted fears. men who are firm, but gentle. men who wrestle and question, so that they're view of Christ is not shallow. men who make war, and know that sometimes that means simply standing in their armor. men who protect, edify, and stand in the gap for their sisters. men who celebrate and respect biblical womanhood. men who know when to listen and when to speak. men who live humbly and simply. men who thirst for the Word, pant for God's presence, leak off the gospel on those they encounter. men who reveal characteristics of Jesus, making you want to love Jesus even more. in a society that has picked and poked out all the things wrong with men, let us celebrate what is right with men who are in Christ.

a quick hello turns into over a four hour talk. stillness and silence welcome until the next topic entered. getting to the heart of it. no "how's the weather?" real. genuine. pure. life bringing. reminiscing reminding us of God's hand. recalling His works, our hearts mend.

pieces of my heart, broken by the relationship (or lack of) i have with my earthly brother, continued to heal last night as my Father allowed me to sit amidst two of my dearest brothers in Christ. getting to observe and participate with these two men in biblical community was like having a golden ticket to Wonka's factory..it was an honor to get to be apart of something so..rare.

for some moments in life there are no words. i will treasure this night, and ponder it in my heart.

there's just something about the eternal bond of the fellowship of the unashamed, the family of God..being sealed in the Spirit together, bound by His love. when we come together, it's a memory of the future, a glimpse of what is to come..a little piece of Heaven to tuck away in the pocket.

sniff the moment..

consider this saturday's post:

well, it looks like time had another lesson for me to learn today. so this pretty neat blessing of a guy in my life (aka my boyfriend) thought he'd be cool and jump off this inflatable into the lake a few weeks ago at camp. but what wasn't cool was that he fell on the side of his face, his ear slamming the water..damage. not thinking it was too big of a deal, he did nothing about it. he got his wisdom teeth pulled and we thought that maybe the antibiotic for his teeth would help what we were thinking was swimmer's ear. the trauma of his teeth took the focus off of his ear, but when that pain started subsiding, it was evident that his ear was not okay. "we're going to carenow tomorrow," was my response.

[sometimes we become stubborn when it comes to receiving the grace of medicine and doctors. yes, i believe God is our Healer, both of our spiritual sickness and physical. but in that He callas people to be doctors..this is a form of healing. when we refuse to receive help from doctors, we are refusing help for the Lord. i know i am at fault for this. but me trying to be brave and suck something up, refusing to take medicine/going to see the doctor, i am not being loving towards others or being a very good asset to the body of Christ. when i am not feeling well, or in pain, i am not at my best..i can become irritable. also in this time of sickness, the enemy tries to scheme and take advantage of my weakness. not going to the doctor not only hurts you, but it hurts others..and this has nothing to do with my post..it was just a tangent].

arriving at carenow it is an hour to an hour and a half wait. we head over to target to pass the time. walking through the aisles carelessly was strange for me. i don't remember ever going to that target without a mission, something to find. usually, i would rush in, grab what i need, then rush out. once again, time had boxed me in..but this time constraint, this waiting period, ending up being so refreshing (unlike yesterday). i had nowhere else to go, nowhere else i needed to be, and that freed me to enjoy where i was.

i spent a long time on the candle aisle (i REALLY enjoy candles), sniffing all kinds of scents. as the smells shot up my nostrils, my affections for Jesus were stirred. then i realized, here i am, worshiping God by smelling candles. time froze as i got to consider how neat our senses are. and how creative our Creator is to give us the ability to smell.  I considered the God given pleasure of scent. and that He was thoughtful enough to create varied scents, because He is a personal God, He knows that certain scents would be more enjoyable than others for different people. and then i wondered, what will Heaven smell like?

in the candle aisle, time taught me that the sweet aroma of Christ can be found in the most unexpected places if you but slow down and sniff in the moment.

>for all of you who are wondering what happened when we got back to carenow, the doctor looked in Austin's ear and goes "i don't think you have an ear drum..." he looked again and said "yeah, you might have a tiny fraction of it left." woah. in all its neatness, it also sounds so very painful. ear drops and an antibiotic should do the trick. even though they were on the expensive side, it was a small price to pay considering the greater cost of a potential permanent loss of hearing. thank God for medicine! and the reality that our flesh will fail, but our God never will<

a product of protection

“I made time for your protection.” –Jesus Calling

Time as protection? Really?  When you find yourself in a restless and impatient state, time feels more like captivity than protection. Boxed in; movement restricted; suffocation. If only the tick would tock a little faster. The unknown leaves you crippled for the next minute holds the key which  determines your next step. The package has yet to arrive on your doorstep. The call hasn’t come. The traffic light is still red. Waiting weighs. That monster, Control, is slowly sleighed inside you. You cannot manipulate the situation. Stop trying!  You can’t do anything.  Helpless. It takes more strength to stand than move.

In enters the power of perspective: time as protection. Omnipresent God, who is outside time, has met you here, in this moment. Will you acknowledge His presence? His protection? You think you’re ready for what’s next, but you have no idea. God knows you can’t handle everything at once. Only He can see what’s in store for your future, and it’s not what you have in mind. He will keep you here, in this moment, until the lesson is fully learned, and the time is fully right. Just when you think you’ve grasped it and are doing good, He will move you on, and you’ll probably wish you could move back. When you get there, it won’t be what you thought it would be. Sooner or later you’ll want yesterday or tomorrow. The past and the future stretch you, playing tug of war. The game wears on your soul. But, the game can’t be played unless the rope involves itself. QUIT THE GAME. Today you have today, now you have now.

“But I trust in You, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in Your hands..” –Psalm 31:14-15a.

As time nestles you, enjoy the freedom of not having a plan. Go with the wind, walking about in liberty to glorify God by enjoying Him and the pleasures He is extending to you in this moment: chatting with a sixty seven year old lady who calls you her BOFA: breath of fresh air, sitting next to the one who helped you learn to love again at a baseball game on a summer night, the sounds of crickets singing to their Creator, the hot pavement on your feet, parents who lay down their life for you, laughter, being loved for you, kindred spirits, the sunset, silence, a song that cuts you to the core…all products of protection, time.

how hearts are like teeth

snooze. snooze. snooze. i pressed it three times this morning. why? dreading the dentist.

it's always the same thing. "hey, amy, you're a really good brusher...but we need to go ahead and fill 85943859348 of your cavities." it doesn't make sense to me sometimes. are they just trying to take my money? but then again, it's not really my money. having a dad that works at a hospital has its perks when it comes to health insurance. it's the fact that getting fillings..IT HURTS. knowing something is for your best doesn't take the pain away. but i got out of bed and made the long 1/10th of a mile drive to the dentist.

they were waiting for me when they got there. the hygienist took me back. "what flavor polish?" i went with cinnamon. as i sat there and opened my mouth, i felt vulnerable. and then i realized why. i can hide the problems i have with my teeth. nobody looks close enough to really see the decay on them. flash them a smile, and that's all they really see of my teeth. but when you go to the dentist...they're the teeth experts. you can't lie to them. they know when you haven't flossed or brushed. they know when you clench your teeth. they know when you haven't been taking care of yourself like you should. they're professionals. if your teeth have a problem, you can't get it past them. everything may seem fine, but then they put their little pick in their and start digging around in your mouth. wherever there is a problem, you feel pain as their little pick scraps and sinks its way down into your tooth. the pain sends a sting through your entire body.

then it hit me. that's how it is with God. so many times we don't want to go to Him because we know that when He searches our hearts for decay, He will bring them to surface. God is a professional when it comes to searching the heart, because He knows it fully. you can't fool Him with the issues of your heart, unlike others who can't see the invisible things which lie beneath. He will use certain situations to pry through our hearts, to pick at them, to bring things to surface that He already knows about, but needs us to see. this process hurts us. it stings. but God only hurts us in order to heal us.

each time i leave the dentist they always urge me to floss. each and every time. they know that the discipline of flossing helps protect my teeth. it also prevents damage. but, i don't do it. then, i complain when i have to get fillings. yet, they patiently remind me each time. they also go in and fill the cavity.

God commands us to read and meditate on His word (and other spiritual disciplines) in order to protect our hearts and stay close to Him. but we don't. and then we complain when we have to go through the consequences of sin, and even blame God. yet, He patiently, lovingly, and gently rebukes us. He yanks out the sin in my heart, and fills it with more of Him.

knowing something is for your best doesn't take the pain away. but getting more of Jesus through the pain is worth it every day.

[and if you were wondering, i only had one small cavity this time that they said i could come back in a few months to get filled. and, i'm really going to try to start flossing this time. and maybe broadcasting that will help me stay accountable in it.]

blurred blogging

i'm challenging myself to blog. every day for the rest of the summer. short or long, i'm going to blog my heart's pondering for the day. maybe because i need some consistency in my life right now. maybe because my thoughts need somewhere to go other than cycling through my brain. maybe because i want to get over my mindset that if it's not deep and doesn't really speak to someone, then it is meaningless and not worth writing. maybe because i like to ramble. maybe because i feel like God has gifted me with insight into situations and He is asking me to share. maybe it's because even though there aren't words to say some things, i still want to try. maybe it's because i always forget the things i long to remember and this is a way of bringing them to memory. maybe it's just because i've always wanted to blog seriously but have never "had time." maybe because this has been a dream in my heart, and as many other dreams have died over the years or have been put on hold, this one is actually practical and something i can actually do. there are alot of maybes right now, not only about blogging, but in my life. things are, well..blurry. and it might only be in hindsight that i really understand why i am doing this. or maybe, i may never know why. but nevertheless..here. we. go.