for the long haul

when i close my eyes i can see him more clearly today than i have in quite sometime.
hunched over a little, scooting around, singing his favorite hymn, huffing and puffing.
i hear him laughing, i hear his whistle, i hear his "woooooo" when he was winning at SkipBo.
i see him eating a piece of toast or cake, sipping on his coffee.
i see him waddling from his fishing boat to the shed to clean the fish, wearing his fishing hat.
yes, he is wearing trousers and a plaid shirt.
i see him sitting in his chair doing a crossword puzzle.
snooring while he is "watching" the cubs game.
telling the players on the Price is Right how they should play.
i hear him praying his simple, yet beautiful prayer.
i heart him whispering his observations in my ear.
i see him reach for my grandma's hand.
i feel him grab my big toe.
i see his tears well up in his eyes.
i remember the last time we played SkipBo and I let him win.
"amy, this is probably the last time you'll ever play with me."
it was..unless in Heaven I get a rematch.

i'm really missing my grandpa today. he's been showing up a lot lately.
last night in my dreams.
today as i went to a dear brother's grandpa's funeral.
"the cobbler shop" was on the way the funeral, the same name as my grandpa's shoe repair store.
the wife's name was betty, just like my grandma's.

here's the thing..
when someone dies everyone rallies together to support and encourage you for two weeks to a month.
you are caught up in all of the funeral activities and what not.
but what about when everyone goes back to their normal lives?
when the support stops coming because people move on.
for those directly connect to the loss, their life is no longer normal
 moving on is a process and there is no time table.
when the initial shock of it all calms down is when the grieving process begins.
the day to day minus such a significant part, a significant someone.
the memories weaving throughout the days.
the pain may leave, but the ache, the pings and pangs continue.
it's not just one goodbye..it takes time.

we carry each other's burdens with such brevity.
we need to mourn with eachother for the long haul.

remember that when you don't have the words to say,
never underestimate the ministry of presence in someone's life today.

little is much

“I've come to see that you can limit God is different ways. You can limit Him by thinking He can never work in spectacular ways. But you can also limit Him by thinking that only the spectacular is meaningful." - Joshua Harris

 ring. ring. ring.
"hello."
"..yes maam, i was wondering if i could ask you a few questions.."
"..well you see my son had a lot of heart problems and so he was in and out of school, nobody from the church came to visit..he's gone through so much depression, won't step foot in the church anymore, hangs out with the wrong crowd, and is no longer wants anything to do with youth ministry like he was so passionate about before..and me, i don't go to that church anymore either..that was probably more than you wanted to hear, but there it is.."
"maam i am so sorry. i do not understand why we get hurt the most by the church. i am so sorry the church was not there when you needed it the most. would it be okay if i prayed for you and your son?..Abba, Father, Lord.."
"thank you, i needed that so bad."
nothing but sniffles and tears.

"hello."
"yes, i received a call from this number about someone wanting to ask me some questions.."
"yes maam.."
"..well i've been dealing with chronic headaches and issues with my back for years now. i'm tired of taking medicine and i do not know whether or not i should have this surgery. but my life has been pretty much taken away from me and i'm just tired of it.."
"well maam have you felt the Lord drawing you nearer during this time?"
"absolutely."
 "i know it's hard to believe but pain and suffering is blessing when it pulls us closer to Jesus. maam, may i pray for you..?
"please!"
"Abba, Father, Lord..."
"thank you so much. what a blessing. i honestly wasn't going to call back today because i really didn't feel like talking to anyone, but now i know why i did."
nothing but sniffles and tears.

today we called over 100 people.
it drug us down. we were discouraged and frustrated in what we viewed as mundane.
but God intervened to show us that the "small" things are HUGE things.
after these two calls..we stood in awe.
we looked at each other and were amazed.
humbled.

see each moment as an opportunity.
be available and open to conversation, be open to listen.
you never know how much someone has built up on the inside.
let it bubble over on you.
don't limit Him, and when He moves don't act surprised.
"tbat's my God."
be thankful, give Him the glory [even when your heart will try to take it].
  
little is much when God's in it.

there has to be some kind of intuition between guys and cars. [i'm not saying girls can't know anything about them, or fix them, but there's just something about a guy and a car].

my car wouldn't start, i assumed the worst.
"time for a new car."

he lifted up the hood and said,  "oh you just have some corrosion on the copper wire that connects to the battery. let's throw some coke on it, get it cleaned up and run to Auto Zone and grab a part and i'll pop it right on."

excuse me what? it was as if he was speaking a foreign language to me. but as i sit and watched my brother work on my car, fiddling with various tools, i could not help but celebrate the differences between males and females. God knew what He was doing, He always does. but it is easy at times to find our differences frustrating rather than beautiful.

biblical manhood and womanhood should be celebrated, daily. this protects the unity in the body.

Charlee, my car, is now up and running in all her glory thanks to this brother of mine..

i'm SO glad God made Adam.

until you feel the weight of your sin,
you will never know how heavy grace is.

seeing your sin is in itself a gift.
crushing. thick. burden. sinking. stuck.
will the haze ever lift?

here comes the rushing wave.
embraced in grace, washed in the blood
here it comes, just as a flood. 
soaked. caked. swimming. splashing. spinning.

you're not banished from here,
as you bring your sin to the table He is drawing you near.

a snow storm in August

Seasons of life, seasons of the soul, seasons of nature, seasons. I love this concept and seeing things through the lens of seasons. I love asking others what season they find themselves in, what the theme is of the season they are walking in. I love comparing seasons of life with seasons in nature. When I was an RA I themed my hall around the seasons of the soul. Seasons are how I understand life. But what about when the season is unclear? Like a snow storm in the middle of August.  

 “Lord, if someone were to ask me what season I am in right now I don’t think I’d be able to answer them…everything seems too scattered to put into words…I don’t really know where I am at.” My heart spoke.

But who says that in itself is not a season? A season of not knowing your season. A season of transition.  A season of finding a new normal. A season where God is hard to find, even though you know He is there [and in this you catch yourself focusing so much on the actual act of seeking that you miss Him all together]. A season where you aren’t seeing your growth but sense it gradually. The pot is stirring inside, God is cooking something up. When the time has reached it fulfillment spring will come and the bud will bloom, breaking through the callouses on your heart. But what if it doesn’t? God is still God. And life will still go on. 

Because seasons DO change, just not always in the “natural” order.

a case of the squirms

held yet squirrming.
like a baby kicking in the arms of their parent.
"stay right here, stop moving. just be here."
finally sighing. movement stopped.
just sitting and letting the moment be the moment without
trying to run away from it or make it more than it needed to be.
simplicity.

so many times i plea with Abba to just hold me,
but the thing i don't realize is that He already is.
even when i don't feel it.
so i continue to squirm, moving about from side to side.
trying to do more. productivity.
i try to get up out of His lap when He is bidding:
"stay right here, stop moving. just be here with Me."


i'm rocked back and forth.
the squirms are soothed.

the surprise element

i went to see the dark night rises at 11:25 p.m. last night, hence, i didn't get to blog. so consider this yesterday's post..

 ServantU..what.a.week.

last night was the last night of camp and campers gave testimonies about the week in front of the parents. a girl from my track which i had served beside this week got up and shared.

she told the group about how awesome she thought her leaders were and that they all called me "mommy amy." she went on to tell the group about how i would never tell them where they were going or what they were doing next. i wouldn't tell them what they were doing for late night or where they'd be going for their service project. the only thing i would say is "don't worry..i'm going to take care of you."

little did i know that my love for the surprise element of camp would teach us all a lesson. i am humbled by the way God uses something so small to teach something so significant, how in His BIGness He uses my smallness to impact. the girl went on to explain that this helped her understand how her future/plans must be given completely to God. she does not know what is next and she doesn't need to know because she knows God has got it. she doesn't have to try to figure it out, but simply live.

we don't really know what the next moment will bring. the next moment might surprise us, but it won't surprise our Omniscient God. all we can do is live life in this moment. let the moment be, not afraid of what it is.

ride the wave.

live life here and hear Him say, "don't worry..I'm going to take care of you." it's a promise, and He is the Promise Keeper.