contradiction

i am a contradiction.
figuring it out becomes my mind's addiction.

wasting away, being restored day to day.
in losing my life, i am finding it.
content, yet eagerly expecting more.
am holy, becoming holy.
in being last, i am first.
at my weakest points, i am strongest.
my spirit is willing, my flesh is so weak.
i want to be known, i hide.
i am saved by grace, i strive.
the war has been won, i still have to fight.
set free, to righteousness i am bound in slavery.
released, a prisoner to Hope.
friend, stranger.
i have a manchine waiting for me, but camping in a tent.
loving Jesus, running to any other thing.
thirsty, Living Water is rushing over me.

when you take yours eyes off me
and turn your eyes upon Jesus you will see
that all my contradicting parts
fit together in perfect harmony.

sometimes

sometimes getting lost is the only way to figure out where you really are.
 sometimes leaving is the only way to find where you’re really wanting to go.
sometimes being someone you’re not is the only way to figure out who you really are.

time stood still

and time stood still.

a front porch, a renovation.
the calm buzz of the city.
eye catches eye.
the smile.
sun peaking through the skyline.
swallowing and savoring.
a friendly hello.
conversation.
burden bearing.
being. together.

and time stood still.

new place, new sights.
mystery.
rich colors.
hand in hand.
step by step.
sun rays pierce through holes of an array of trees.
your arm around me.

and time stood still.

grass tickles but smells so sweet.
you can rest your weary head here.
let me hold your heart.
i can feel it pound.
lights flicker, laughter clearer.
felt so small, but heart so big. 
safe. protected. wrapped up. ease.
understanding. alive. thankful. simply.
favorite place to be.

we heard the tick of the clock, time interrupted
but still we lingered.
the world could wait another moment.
we were lifted, something shifted.
when time stood still.

raw

no words, just tears.

trapped. entangled. hindered.
jealousy.
but i hate myself for feeling that.
and so the cycle goes.

mind. please slow down.
circles. spinning.
waves. sea sick.

growing pains.

hush. keep quiet.

lies.
hurt and lies.
remind me i'm alive.

numb. calloused.
i'd rather be broken.

finally got your head above water then you're pushed down again.
and i'm just too tired to sink or swim.

He's already provided the escape,
He's the Man wearing the cape.
but why then do these arrows keep piercing me,
when Truth has set me free?

just breathe.

drained

i don't know how to "hangout" with people.
i don't know how to sit back and relax.
i don't know how to simply have fun anymore.
why can't i enjoy life?

i struggle with small talk.
i constantly feel as though each conversation i have has to go to the heart.
 
i'm sorry that when i look you in the eye it pierces straight to your soul.
i'm sorry that i can see straight past your "i'm okay" and your plastered smile.
you want to have real talk so that's when you call me up.
can't you just for once simply say "sup?"

i hate the surface level, but please don't try to go beyond that with me right now.
i don't want to spend time with you because i'm afraid you might ask how i really am.

i am fragile.

i prayed for a greater thirst, i was led to a desert.

compassion fatigue.

my gift of mercy, of empathy, drains me.
i hurt for you, with you.
i want to encourage you, but there's nothing left pour, but i feel everyone saying "we need more."
an empty jar. a dry and weary land.
yet there You are holding my hand.

there are things in life you can't talk to any person about.
so i pull up an empty chair and talk out loud, because i know You're there.

i beg for You to bring a fresh breath,
an encouraging word, a new face.

lack of motivation, stuck.

but then there's hope.

there is life in the desert.

the Rock will break and gush Living Water. it will quench.

"They did not thirst when He led them through the deserts; He made water flow for them from the rock; He split the rock and water gushed out." -isaiah 48:21

remain in My love..

i haven't blogged in five days, not that anyone really noticed.
but i thought i'd point it out anyways, because i noticed.

i had to take a break in my challenge to blog for the rest of the summer because, well, life happened..
or should i say..death..but death is but a door to full life for those in Christ..
anyway i digress.

my family flew quickly to Indiana on Friday for a funeral. my great uncle who introduced my parents went to be with Jesus and my dad was asked to do the funeral.

as my previous post spoke about how my grandpa had been showing up lately, i now know it was God preparing me to go back to the rawness of grief in my heart. the recent funeral took me back to my grandparent's home for the first time since my grandpa went to Heaven.

not much had changed, but everything had.
his chair, empty.
a picture of him with a big fish on the mantle.

my grandma smiled at me as she grabbed my toes to tickle them as my grandpa used to.
we went through his old bowling patches, he was a champion.
we sifted through old memories.

but honestly, i was numb.
the ache, the pain i had dreaded, didn't come.
nothingness.

my heart wrestled, splattered, broke, grieved for a different reason.
the kids (my uncles and aunt) and grandkids (my cousins and brother) my grandpa battled for in prayer wanted nothing to do with Jesus, yet their hearts are desperately longing for Him, but they are blinded to it.
i am not the judge of their salvation. but if we are known by our fruit..
i struggled with how to relate, how to love, how to even speak with them..
i sat on the floor, bawling, as i shared my heart with a dear brother and friend of mine on the phone.
my heart was so burdened.  yet, i rejoiced with gratitude over my salvation.
but i felt so inadequate. the truth that i had no power to save anyone soaked in deeper than ever before.
i know i am not responsible for the salvation of another, but still i am called to preach the Good News.
but i struggled through the how? when my Christian jargon is a foreign language to those not in Christ.
the gospel not only saves us, but sustains us.
i know how to preach the gospel to the crowd that needs sustaining, but i struggle with the unsaved.

"amy, you're a figther."
my heart was discouraged, torn, weary in battle.

i withdrew to a quiet place, a place my mom told me she would use to go when she "ran away from home" when she was little. all that was on top of this hill was a merry-go-round. i sat and spun in silence.

here my Savior whispered to my heart "remain in My love, remain in My love, remain in My love.."
John 15 speaks the truth that remaining in His love is what enables us to bear fruit that will last, remaining in His love, experiencing the depths of His love is what overflows to show those who do not know Jesus the power of His love, love that enables salvation by grace through faith. remaining in His love is what testifies to His love. (remaining in His love, remaining in Love's work on the cross, is the Christian life).

God is God. salvation is His. some of us will be trophies of His grace, others objects of His wrath. but we will never know which of the two until the Judge makes the final verdict. until then we, who have been changed by His love, must daily remain in His love, testifying to Him who is True, until all those He, in His sovereignty, has chosen to save have been claimed.

 

for the long haul

when i close my eyes i can see him more clearly today than i have in quite sometime.
hunched over a little, scooting around, singing his favorite hymn, huffing and puffing.
i hear him laughing, i hear his whistle, i hear his "woooooo" when he was winning at SkipBo.
i see him eating a piece of toast or cake, sipping on his coffee.
i see him waddling from his fishing boat to the shed to clean the fish, wearing his fishing hat.
yes, he is wearing trousers and a plaid shirt.
i see him sitting in his chair doing a crossword puzzle.
snooring while he is "watching" the cubs game.
telling the players on the Price is Right how they should play.
i hear him praying his simple, yet beautiful prayer.
i heart him whispering his observations in my ear.
i see him reach for my grandma's hand.
i feel him grab my big toe.
i see his tears well up in his eyes.
i remember the last time we played SkipBo and I let him win.
"amy, this is probably the last time you'll ever play with me."
it was..unless in Heaven I get a rematch.

i'm really missing my grandpa today. he's been showing up a lot lately.
last night in my dreams.
today as i went to a dear brother's grandpa's funeral.
"the cobbler shop" was on the way the funeral, the same name as my grandpa's shoe repair store.
the wife's name was betty, just like my grandma's.

here's the thing..
when someone dies everyone rallies together to support and encourage you for two weeks to a month.
you are caught up in all of the funeral activities and what not.
but what about when everyone goes back to their normal lives?
when the support stops coming because people move on.
for those directly connect to the loss, their life is no longer normal
 moving on is a process and there is no time table.
when the initial shock of it all calms down is when the grieving process begins.
the day to day minus such a significant part, a significant someone.
the memories weaving throughout the days.
the pain may leave, but the ache, the pings and pangs continue.
it's not just one goodbye..it takes time.

we carry each other's burdens with such brevity.
we need to mourn with eachother for the long haul.

remember that when you don't have the words to say,
never underestimate the ministry of presence in someone's life today.