remain in My love..

i haven't blogged in five days, not that anyone really noticed.
but i thought i'd point it out anyways, because i noticed.

i had to take a break in my challenge to blog for the rest of the summer because, well, life happened..
or should i say..death..but death is but a door to full life for those in Christ..
anyway i digress.

my family flew quickly to Indiana on Friday for a funeral. my great uncle who introduced my parents went to be with Jesus and my dad was asked to do the funeral.

as my previous post spoke about how my grandpa had been showing up lately, i now know it was God preparing me to go back to the rawness of grief in my heart. the recent funeral took me back to my grandparent's home for the first time since my grandpa went to Heaven.

not much had changed, but everything had.
his chair, empty.
a picture of him with a big fish on the mantle.

my grandma smiled at me as she grabbed my toes to tickle them as my grandpa used to.
we went through his old bowling patches, he was a champion.
we sifted through old memories.

but honestly, i was numb.
the ache, the pain i had dreaded, didn't come.
nothingness.

my heart wrestled, splattered, broke, grieved for a different reason.
the kids (my uncles and aunt) and grandkids (my cousins and brother) my grandpa battled for in prayer wanted nothing to do with Jesus, yet their hearts are desperately longing for Him, but they are blinded to it.
i am not the judge of their salvation. but if we are known by our fruit..
i struggled with how to relate, how to love, how to even speak with them..
i sat on the floor, bawling, as i shared my heart with a dear brother and friend of mine on the phone.
my heart was so burdened.  yet, i rejoiced with gratitude over my salvation.
but i felt so inadequate. the truth that i had no power to save anyone soaked in deeper than ever before.
i know i am not responsible for the salvation of another, but still i am called to preach the Good News.
but i struggled through the how? when my Christian jargon is a foreign language to those not in Christ.
the gospel not only saves us, but sustains us.
i know how to preach the gospel to the crowd that needs sustaining, but i struggle with the unsaved.

"amy, you're a figther."
my heart was discouraged, torn, weary in battle.

i withdrew to a quiet place, a place my mom told me she would use to go when she "ran away from home" when she was little. all that was on top of this hill was a merry-go-round. i sat and spun in silence.

here my Savior whispered to my heart "remain in My love, remain in My love, remain in My love.."
John 15 speaks the truth that remaining in His love is what enables us to bear fruit that will last, remaining in His love, experiencing the depths of His love is what overflows to show those who do not know Jesus the power of His love, love that enables salvation by grace through faith. remaining in His love is what testifies to His love. (remaining in His love, remaining in Love's work on the cross, is the Christian life).

God is God. salvation is His. some of us will be trophies of His grace, others objects of His wrath. but we will never know which of the two until the Judge makes the final verdict. until then we, who have been changed by His love, must daily remain in His love, testifying to Him who is True, until all those He, in His sovereignty, has chosen to save have been claimed.