the in-between; the tug-of war of inside of me

I closed my eyes last night to avoid the crippling thoughts: working 8-5 for the rest of my life; always caught up in the chaotic hustle which saps the life out of my soul; the world of making money stealing from the precious quality time with those I love, which I find more valuable than money; the constrictions, the expectations, the requirements, the sacrifice. Will I ever get time off? Am I lazy? Am I unwilling? Is this really all there is? I’m already tired of the toil. Tears well up. I don’t want to grow up. Closing the eyes. Escape.

The light peered through the blinds, touching my face and with a stretch I arose, my mind immediately going back to the thoughts which haunted me the night before. The war between my deepest desires of freedom and adventure versus the duties and responsibilities (in balance can’t there be both?). The tension between the full redemption of everything that Jesus promises, and the here and now where toil with work as a result of the fall. “It’s the life in between, the days of walking lifeless, the years calloused and simply going through the hollow motions, the self-protecting by self-distracting, the body never waking, that’s lost all capacity to fully feel—this is the life in between that makes us the wild walking dead.” I am crippled by the unknown. I try to research all the possibilities. I work to make the details fit perfectly. I worry. Borrowing trouble from tomorrow. I sin. What am I supposed to do? Just tell me Lord, I will do it! I feel you calling me somewhere, but I don't know how to get there. I can’t do this on my own, I can’t do anything at all. I don’t know what to do. After years of knowing what will come next, after being known and trusted, after things being handed to me, humbled. I am afraid of growing up, yet I’m tired of being too young. Come, Lord Jesus, Come. 

And He comes, He always comes:

“Do you believe My goodness toward you, daughter? Do you doubt My provision? Do you not think that I have purpose in wherever I place you? Even though it may take much sacrifice, even though it may not be the most glamorous place, even though it may not meet your distorted view of “perfection,” will you venture to this place with Me? There is no mundane tasks for I am Lord of ALL. I promise you, that wherever you go, I am Immanuel. I will be with you. You will find Me there, everywhere. And there I need You to go with me, though My purpose you may not fully understand, so that my plans will prevail. I need you to push back the darkness of this world with the Light inside of you, that Light, IT’S ME! I have given you freedom, daughter. I have given you a playground. Within the walls of this playground (which I have set for your protection) it does not matter what you do as long as you are doing it for ME, for MY glory.

Remember you’re not home yet, this place will never be your final resting grounds. You are in exile here, but just as I led the Israelites through the wilderness, so I will lead you to your Promised Land. I know you more than you know yourself. I know the gifts I have given you and I deeply desire for you to use them even more than you want to. I know the calling I have placed on your life, because I am the Caller. I want you to answer more than you want to, and I will enable you to do so. I know you desire to do My will, I desire for you to more than you desire to. But daughter, I want you to be a steward of My mysteries. Faith is what pleases Me the most, therefore you will never know everything this side of Heaven. Please stop trying to plan everything out. Please stop thinking and analyzing. Please stop trying to fix everything, including yourself.  Choose to live as though My Word is true. Just look at Me. SEEK ME. I will be standing exactly where you need to be. I will never provide you with a floodlight, revealing everything at once. You must live life by the headlights, as I illuminate only the next step in the path ahead of you. Remember that your final destination is secure. My promises are true and they are for you. Trust in Me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge me, and I will make your paths straight. Sure there may be some curves along the way, a few zig zags here and there. But when I say I will make your paths straight, I mean straight to Me. Straight Home.” 

I am looking for answers that don't come. Instead He is teaching me the posture in which to carry questions.

These words He impresses on my heart I know as truth. They do bring a sense of comfort, but the gnawing lingers. And I want to run from it, any way possible. Sometimes even when you know it, the truth is the hardest to believe. And well, right now is one of those times. In this transition all I am looking for is a safe place to land (and thinking of transitions to come in the future, I realize that my whole life will be filled with transitions and that makes me cringe, even though I know I will find more of Him there. I long for the easy, final transition Home. and yet I must admit there are things that I desire this side of Heaven before the other side, and for that I know there is forgiveness).

I am drowning in the sea of possibilities (exciting, but scary).
I am grasping for comfort.
I, rescued before and for good, am in need of rescue again.

You are my Rock.
You are my Steadfast Hope.
You are my Sure Salvation.

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

You’ve been faithful before, You’ll be faithful again.

Give me faith to trust what You say here in the in-between, as the then and the now, the faith and the fear, play tug-of-war inside of me.