"there is a relentless river. it rages on, a respecter of no one. and this, this is the only way to slow time: when i fully enter time's swift current, enter into the current moment with the weight of all my attention, i slow the torrent with the weight of me all here. i can slow the torrent by being all here. i only live the full life when i live fully in the moment. and when i'm always looking for the next glimpse of glory, i slow and enter. and time slows. weigh down this moment in time with attention full, and the whole of time's river
slows, slows...slows."
 -ann voskamp

what Jesus' mom taught me

There is so much richness hidden in the crevices of the Christmas story. No matter how many times you read it, something new always pops out; something about the Word being living and active. With a story so often heard, it is important to ask for new eyes to peer into this story so that we do not become calloused to it.
A few years ago one sentence leaked off the pages and into my heart. It has locked itself away there in a safe place to stay. Each time I read this verse there’s something that pulses deep in my soul. It continues to unlock a door into new depths of my relationship with Jesus.  This sentence, this treasure, and all it entails, has meant so much to me that it inspired the name of my blog.

What is this sentence? Luke 2:19

“But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”
“But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart.”
“But Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often.”
“But Mary was treasuring up all these things in her heart and meditating on them.”
“However, Mary continued to treasure all these things in her heart and to ponder them.”

Let’s back up a little to get more of a panoramic view in order to feel the weight of this sentence. This verse lies right in the midst of the Angels announcing the birth of Jesus to the Shepherds in the field. The Shepherds have dropped everything to go see what the Angels have proclaimed. Upon the confirmation of the Angels decree (seeing Jesus, Mary and Joseph) the Shepherds could not help but tell everyone what they had just experienced, and I don’t blame them. “When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them” (Luke 2:18). Here the news is spreading like wildfire. Talk about News Flash, front page of the New York Times, headliner news. The long expected Messiah had finally been born, the prophecy had finally been fulfilled! GO TELL IT ON A MOUNTAIN!

But Mary, oh Mary, the mother of Jesus, remained silent.

Silence.

In a world full of noise do we even know what that sounds like anymore? Or even where to find it? With all the technology, news travels fast around here. Then there’s our tendency to gossip, no quicker has news landed in our ear than it is on our tongues again. But Mary, she kept her mouth shut.

Even in our Christian circles we are encourage to be in community, to confess sin, to talk through things, to ask for prayer. “No one needs to know everything but everything needs to be known by someone.” True, but what about when we begin going to others before we go to Jesus. What about when our relationships with others hinder our relationship with Jesus?

“Mary kept all these things - All that happened, and all that was said respecting her child. She remembered what the angel had said to her; what had happened to Elizabeth and to the shepherds - all the extraordinary circumstances which had attended the birth of her son. Here is a delicate and beautiful expression of the feelings of a mother. A mother forgets none of those things which occur respecting her children. Everything they do or suffer - everything that is said of them, is treasured up in her mind; and often she thinks of those things, and anxiously seeks what they may indicate respecting the future character and welfare of her child.
Pondered - Weighed. This is the original meaning of the word "weighed." She kept them; she revolved them; she "weighed" them in her mind, giving to each circumstance its just importance, and anxiously seeking what it might indicate respecting her child.”

Oh the things Mary had to ponder! Oh the amazing, supernatural parts of her story. Yet, the real, human, mother-son relationship. I don't think i'll ever know all the treasures she had in her heart to ponder with her son until, if the Lord wills, I am a mom.

Yet, my closeness to my Savior is enriched from a practice I learned from His mother. I am a ponderer, a thinker, a weigher, a processor. I collect things in my heart and keep them silent from human ears, pondering them in my heart, conversing with my Lord about them, asking Him to shed His light and truth upon them. As I ponder I get to ring out the richness of each thing that comes into my heart and sift out the stuff that should not lodge there. Going to Him first helps me withdraw and thank Him after something good, ask for wisdom in a cloudy area, or ask for comfort when hurt; going to Him to meet the deep needs of my heart in each moment before I search elsewhere. It is only after this that I venture to share with others (when I feel it necessary). I also like to treasure up and ponder things that God reveals to me, sweet moments we have together, or sweet moments He blesses me with others. The moments I feel fully alive, the little glimpses of Heaven.

Do I practice this all the time? No. I fail. But I have found that in silencing myself to others I can hear the voice of the Lord the clearest, His face is not as blurry. After this I can move on and better detect His voice through others, and see the world through spiritual eyes. This helps me guard my tongue, because words have power (check out James 3). This protects me from living out of emotion and rather out of truth. No, it does not eliminate all emotion, but it helps truth to direct my emotions rather than the other way around. Heart ponderings extract the richness and weight of each situation. (The downside to this trait is that I error on the side of being too analytical, thinking too much, trying to fix everything and make it perfect. My mind goes to place it shouldn’t, my heart ponderings start to bring death rather than life.  And God is gracious in cutting these thoughts off and pointing ponderings back to Him. Also, most of the time this alerts me to know when it is time to let someone else in on what is surging around in my head.).

I have found that in order to be a Shepherd going and telling the Good News upon the mountain, I must first be like Mary, pondering things in my heart. After these things are sifted through and steep in my heart for awhile, they bubble over beautifully. [I wonder how Mary would have told the story of her son’s birth, full of detail that only heart pondering could produce I am sure]. So here, on this page, you find the results of my heart ponderings. I pray the Lord uses them as treasures from Him for you to ponder in your own heart.

"But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God." -Elisabeth Elliot

May you escape from the noise this Christmas, the want to tell everything to everyone, so that you may treasure up and ponder whatever “all these things” are in your heart.

the in-between; the tug-of war of inside of me

I closed my eyes last night to avoid the crippling thoughts: working 8-5 for the rest of my life; always caught up in the chaotic hustle which saps the life out of my soul; the world of making money stealing from the precious quality time with those I love, which I find more valuable than money; the constrictions, the expectations, the requirements, the sacrifice. Will I ever get time off? Am I lazy? Am I unwilling? Is this really all there is? I’m already tired of the toil. Tears well up. I don’t want to grow up. Closing the eyes. Escape.

The light peered through the blinds, touching my face and with a stretch I arose, my mind immediately going back to the thoughts which haunted me the night before. The war between my deepest desires of freedom and adventure versus the duties and responsibilities (in balance can’t there be both?). The tension between the full redemption of everything that Jesus promises, and the here and now where toil with work as a result of the fall. “It’s the life in between, the days of walking lifeless, the years calloused and simply going through the hollow motions, the self-protecting by self-distracting, the body never waking, that’s lost all capacity to fully feel—this is the life in between that makes us the wild walking dead.” I am crippled by the unknown. I try to research all the possibilities. I work to make the details fit perfectly. I worry. Borrowing trouble from tomorrow. I sin. What am I supposed to do? Just tell me Lord, I will do it! I feel you calling me somewhere, but I don't know how to get there. I can’t do this on my own, I can’t do anything at all. I don’t know what to do. After years of knowing what will come next, after being known and trusted, after things being handed to me, humbled. I am afraid of growing up, yet I’m tired of being too young. Come, Lord Jesus, Come. 

And He comes, He always comes:

“Do you believe My goodness toward you, daughter? Do you doubt My provision? Do you not think that I have purpose in wherever I place you? Even though it may take much sacrifice, even though it may not be the most glamorous place, even though it may not meet your distorted view of “perfection,” will you venture to this place with Me? There is no mundane tasks for I am Lord of ALL. I promise you, that wherever you go, I am Immanuel. I will be with you. You will find Me there, everywhere. And there I need You to go with me, though My purpose you may not fully understand, so that my plans will prevail. I need you to push back the darkness of this world with the Light inside of you, that Light, IT’S ME! I have given you freedom, daughter. I have given you a playground. Within the walls of this playground (which I have set for your protection) it does not matter what you do as long as you are doing it for ME, for MY glory.

Remember you’re not home yet, this place will never be your final resting grounds. You are in exile here, but just as I led the Israelites through the wilderness, so I will lead you to your Promised Land. I know you more than you know yourself. I know the gifts I have given you and I deeply desire for you to use them even more than you want to. I know the calling I have placed on your life, because I am the Caller. I want you to answer more than you want to, and I will enable you to do so. I know you desire to do My will, I desire for you to more than you desire to. But daughter, I want you to be a steward of My mysteries. Faith is what pleases Me the most, therefore you will never know everything this side of Heaven. Please stop trying to plan everything out. Please stop thinking and analyzing. Please stop trying to fix everything, including yourself.  Choose to live as though My Word is true. Just look at Me. SEEK ME. I will be standing exactly where you need to be. I will never provide you with a floodlight, revealing everything at once. You must live life by the headlights, as I illuminate only the next step in the path ahead of you. Remember that your final destination is secure. My promises are true and they are for you. Trust in Me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge me, and I will make your paths straight. Sure there may be some curves along the way, a few zig zags here and there. But when I say I will make your paths straight, I mean straight to Me. Straight Home.” 

I am looking for answers that don't come. Instead He is teaching me the posture in which to carry questions.

These words He impresses on my heart I know as truth. They do bring a sense of comfort, but the gnawing lingers. And I want to run from it, any way possible. Sometimes even when you know it, the truth is the hardest to believe. And well, right now is one of those times. In this transition all I am looking for is a safe place to land (and thinking of transitions to come in the future, I realize that my whole life will be filled with transitions and that makes me cringe, even though I know I will find more of Him there. I long for the easy, final transition Home. and yet I must admit there are things that I desire this side of Heaven before the other side, and for that I know there is forgiveness).

I am drowning in the sea of possibilities (exciting, but scary).
I am grasping for comfort.
I, rescued before and for good, am in need of rescue again.

You are my Rock.
You are my Steadfast Hope.
You are my Sure Salvation.

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

You’ve been faithful before, You’ll be faithful again.

Give me faith to trust what You say here in the in-between, as the then and the now, the faith and the fear, play tug-of-war inside of me.

being strong enough to be weak

surgery. that word does anything but quiet my soul. pair it with my mom and I feel nauseas. It doesn't really matter that it's classified as "day surgery." even in its simplicity, a little lift and shift repair from a previous surgery, it still just doesn't sit right with me. it's not that I'm afraid of something going wrong (which is always a possibility) i just don't know how to handle having to observe my mom as weak. whether they are crying from hurt, have a cold or whether they are in a hospital bed, seeing my parents weak leaves me heavy hearted and a little crippled.

who do you perceive as strong? admit it with me, we all hold people on a pedestal. there are people we look at and think they have it all together (even though we know they don’t). we look to these people and see strength. we forget they are human, too. as we are growing up, we look to grown ups and immediately conclude that they are strong and have it all together. growing up I would always look to my parents on how to act in certain situations or ask for their advice because I always knew they'd know exactly how to act, exactly what to do. we all have people we hold to a higher standard.

upon observing one little tinge of weakness, we are thrown off, our tail feathers rattled a little. we find it difficult to see those we think are strong in their weak moments. we tend to not know how to respond. 

as my mom's surgery approached and even now as I sit in the waiting room I wonder how the disciples felt when they saw Jesus hanging on the tree. Jesus was Strength. the disciples must to have seen Jesus as the epitome of strength. they looked to Him daily and followed His lead time after time. so how did they react when (in the eyes of the world) Jesus was undergoing one the weakest moments in history: death on a cross. as He struggled to carry His cross, as He was beat and bleeding, as the crown of thorns plunged into His skin, as  He was mocked, as His side was pierced, as He hung lifeless. that my friends, to the world, sounds like the weakest point anyone could ever find themselves in. how heavy hearted and confused those who looked to Him for strength must have felt (although the promise of resurrection they believed and clung to). as they awaited the third day, I await my mom's recovery. I find encouragement from this cloud to witnesses that have gone before me and can surely shed empathy upon me. 

but there's another perspective to be found here. in the world's eyes the cross was Jesus' weakest point, when in eternity's eyes it was Love's strongest. Jesus was strong enough to be weak, to drink the cup, to die when He had the power to escape death but chose love instead, He followed the plan for the Father's glory. the blood that flowed from His body was the strongest act of love. Earth's greatest defeat was Heaven's greatest victory.

"It's time to grow up." I am growing up. and it has become more evident to me in recent days. you know those grown ups I used to look to to have it all together? I have to one of them now and I am scared. Why? Because I think I have to have it all together.. AND I DON'T! But watching my mom today has reminded me that that is okay, even normal. because my mom was strong enough to be weak, to have this surgery done and to ask me to be here to be by her side through it all she has reminded me that in life it is not so much our strengths that people need to see, but our weaknesses. they need to know that we don't have it all together which will in return free them to know they don't have to either. and as we mutually share our weaknesses we find again our dire need for Jesus. it is when we are weak that the same power that raised Christ from the dead can prove strongest. fling yourself upon Strength and He will carry you, as limp as you may be, in His strong arms.

will you be strong enough to be weak? 

becoming what i am

 Sitting at the picnic table this afternoon, just as we had each Wednesday this semester, the sun shined brighter than normal. Christmas break upon us, we finished the last lesson in the discipleship material we were walking through together. As we closed our binders, one question lingered. “What  is the biggest thing you will take away from this semester from all we have covered?” She painted the most beautiful picture.

“If a man I loved was to come to me and tell me that beyond a shadow of a doubt I was the most the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, and I was fully persuaded that it was true, the last thing I would do would go try to be ugly for the rest of my life. Everything in me would want to dress up for him and be beautiful and elegant. At the same time knowing how he saw me would free me to be honest, I could wear my sweats and be completely comfortable knowing that he still saw me as beautiful. That is how my relationship with the Lord should be. Because He sees me as holy, I want to strive to be holy, righteous, and pure. But at the same time, because He sees me as holy I know I can be honest with Him when I don’t feel holy. Through sanctification, I am becoming what He already sees me as.”

I was speechless.

I was challenged.

I was humbled.

And I still am.