holding loosely

a blog by Julie Hunt

"In relationships, I have found that we really must find the important balance between holding on tight and letting go. As individuals, we often tend towards one extreme or the other, depending on our personalities, family history and disposition. There are dangers inherent in each of these approaches.

When we hold tightly in relationships, we might very well have a grip on the person, in that we are not going to lose them. But, there is a risk in holding tightly. We just might choke, smother, or suffocate them.

In contrast, if we take the posture of letting go, we will not be as intrusive or harsh as when we are holding tightly. We might easily lose the thing we are holding, and communicate a lacksidasical spirit.

It is risky.

Imagine a delicate, colorful butterfly flitting around your yard and lighting on your hand. How would you hold it? If you held your hands completely open, palms flat, chances are it would fly away. In contrast imagine if you squeezed your hands together and held on tightly, in fear of losing her. It might crush her.

But what if you cupped your hands, to where they created a safe, enclosed, yet spacious place for her to be?

When I was in college, my wise friend, Jen, was counseling me, as I was brokenhearted. I had been misled by a boy and was emotionally wrought. She encouraged me to “hold loosely” to this relationship. She gave me the gift of this metaphor and I have carried the wisdom from that moment with me for two decades.

Holding loosely is the balance between holding tightly and letting go.

It’s not losing a hold, and relinquishing, like letting go, but it’s not the gripping, desperate feeling of holding tightly. The posture of holding loosely communicates: “I am here, I want to be with you, I am holding onto you. However, my hands are gently holding, with as much space as I can create for you to breath and move,”

This holding loosely corresponds with Jesus’ command to “love your neighbor as yourself”. How do I want to be held in relationships? Possessively clutched in a way that can crush me? No. Or, conversely – open handed with no hold or security offered or effort exerted? No. Rather, I want to be held in the gentle hold of a loving, open, spacious space of a caring other. There I find love and security and yet room to breath and become my truest self. Within this posture, we love our neighbor as ourselves.

This principle has been applicable in all of my relationships: with family, and girlfriends, children and co-workers, even with my husband and children. We all desire to be known, loved, cherished, understood and not forgotten. And we all want to find grace, openness, and freedom. We want to be our truest, best selves. We often become that within the context of healthy relationships."


i am thankful that God has given me someone who holds me loosely.