nothing left to defend.

battling to believe truth amidst the lies and deception. false accusations are thrown out against me. attempts to defend myself have failed. they have sealed my mouth, unable to plead my case.

i have lost the will to fight. maybe what they say is true?

then i am reminded..

God is on His throne.

on His left there is one who prowls like a lion looking for someone to devour. my adversary. my enemy. a dragon. a serpent. a murder. a theft. a deceiver. a liar. the father of lies. one who has no truth in him. an accuser who is standing there  accusing me and my brothers and sisters in Christ. he stands there day and night. he is full of fury because he knows his time is short.

to God's right is Jesus, His Son. living to stand in my defense, pleading my case, interceding on my behalf. my Advocate. the One full of grace and truth. He is eternal. He is True. He reigns. He rules. His righteousness is my righteousness. His blood covers every offense of mine. because of Jesus, when God looks at me, He sees me through the lens of the cross. Jesus settled my debt..fully.

i see God sitting on His throne leaning to the right with complete attention on what His Son has to say, completely drowning out all the liar on His left has to say. my God is deaf to the accusations of my enemy.

because Jesus stands as my Defender, i have nothing left to defend.

when He said "it is finished," He meant it.

case closed.

"Let not those gloat over me who are my enemies without cause; let not those who hate me without reason maliciously wink the eye. They do not speak peaceably, but devise false accusations against those who live quietly in the land. They gape at me and say, "Aha! Aha! With our own eyes we have seen it."  O LORD, you have seen this; be not silent. Do not be far from me, O Lord. Awake, and RISE TO MY DEFENSE! Contend for me, my God and Lord. Vindicate me in your righteousness, O LORD my God; do not let them gloat over me. Do not let them think, "Aha, just what we wanted!" or say, "We have swallowed him up."" -Psalm 35:19-25

My One Defense, my righteousness, O Lord how I need You.

"Your blood speaks a better word
Than all the empty claims I've heard upon this earth
Speaks righteousness for me
And stands in my defense
Jesus it's Your blood."

the turn: from fear to faith

I am afraid.

I am afraid to do the wrong thing.

So I am crippled and do nothing, or I do things with the wrong motive. And I spin around in false guilt even when I’ve done nothing wrong.

I am afraid to fail.

So I strive and miss the only thing that matters. I try to earn what’s already been given to me. And I wear myself out while I do it.

I am afraid to disappoint.

So I become who you want me to be, or rather who I think you want me to be. Or I shut myself off from people all together.

I am afraid my brother will never know Jesus.

So I don’t go home as often because I don’t want to face the fact that I don’t pray enough for him, I don’t want to see the pain it causes my parents, I would rather bury the hurt that I have no real relationship with my brother and that I don’t know how to love him.

I am afraid to walk through watching my parents age and die.

So I deny the fact that they are and bury myself in my own life and selfishness.

I am afraid that if people really see the real me, they won’t love me for me.

So I put up walls that don’t let love in or out. Or I wear this false “better” version of me.

I am afraid that they’ll love you more than me, that you’ll love them more than me.

So I drown in comparison, jealousy, and envy.

I am afraid of being called out, wrong, rebuked.

So I make sure to always defend myself whenever we talk about me.

I am afraid of the unknown.

So I try to control everything and everyone.

I am afraid to express my desires because they might not be fulfilled.

So I settle for the way things are rather than how God created them to be.

I am afraid that if you could hear my thoughts you’d never want to be around me.

So I drown in lies. The battle of the mind saps the life out of me.

I am afraid of what you will think of me if I go to a certain church or that I will get hurt in the church again.

So I disregard the covenant I am supposed to have with a local church body, miss out on the community I was created to have, become a leech to different churches, don’t commit, and wind up feeling disengaged from the Body of Christ.

I am afraid that there is some secret that I’m missing about the Christian life.

So I become critical of how genuine you are in your relationship with Jesus.

I am afraid that I have nothing to give you.

So I decide that I won’t even try at all.

I am afraid to tell the lost about Jesus, for many reasons.

So I disobey the Great Commission, focusing on sanctification rather than others salvation (when really my sanctification should lead me to exclaim the Good News).

I am afraid i'm afraid.

And although I may know the truth about what I am afraid of, walking in those truths daily, now that is a whole other story. I cannot do it in my own strength, but Galatians 2:20 tells me that Christ through His Spirit is the One living this life for me. And if the powerful One who raised Jesus from the dead is living IN me, He can live a life that turns fear into faith.

“We all live our lives in the confines of fear” (Ben Howard).

But the opposite of fear is faith and “no one has such a perfect opportunity to practice and develop faith as do those who must learn constantly to turn fear into faith” (Hannah Hurnard).

“When [not if] I am afraid, I put my trust in You” (Psalm 56:3).

Have the courage to ask the Spirit to shed light on what frightens you so that truth can overcome. Name your fears, call them to the front-lines of battle. If you never face your fears, your faith will have nothing to fight, and you will continue to be of little faith. Someone once said that "courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." That something is faith, it is choosing to live as though the Bible is true no matter what.

                                                        (i take no credit for this photo)