he went to Heaven on the last day of 2011.

it’s new years eve. and usually that means I would be busy with my year in review, taking time to look back and remember all the Lord has done the past year and the lessons He has taught me. two days ago I attempted to begin this year’s recollections, but today, on the last day of 2011, my grandpa bud journeyed Home to Heaven. and of course this has catapulted me into a whole different thought process, a whole different form of remembrance. so this one goes out to you, grandpa bud!

my grandpa bud knew this world wasn’t his home. he knew it was just a waiting room until he reached Home, and he anxiously awaited the day when Heaven would become a reality. with joy and a heavy heart, I can say that today was that day! “his heart failed,” they say. but I know that his heart’s longing for Heaven just got too big that it just exploded. He wanted to be with Jesus and so he went.

my grandpa was the most precious, cutest old man ever. i don’t care what anyone else says.




my grandpa was stubborn, but the positive side of this stubbornness was his loyalty. my grandpa bud was one of the loyalist people I ever met. if anyone needed anything, they knew who to call.

my grandpa was a man of integrity. he worked hard, never taking the easy way. my grandpa showed mercy. if someone could not pay him the rent for the building he owned, he waited patiently until they could. when the war came, he served his country faithfully.



my grandpa has been a faithful husband for over 65 years to grandma betty. I once asked him what made his marriage last. he said the Lord and compromise, that they were in it together. I loved to watch them so tenderly care for each other. sure, at times they butted heads, but they grew old together. he couldn’t hear, she can’t see..but together they took on the world.



my grandpa LOVED fishing. he was a fisher of men, but many a perch and northern did he catch in his day. minnows and worms, he choice of bate. to him, fishing was the closest thing to Heaven on Earth. some days he would let others join him, friends and family. I remember going out on the boat with him when I was little, as I squirmed to take my first fish off the line, he put his hand on mine and showed me how. I thought he was so brave, and he was. after telling him that he couldn’t be out on the boat by himself any longer, he replied, “I’m never alone. It’s me and Jesus.” oh what times they must have shared out there on the peaceful lake, the sun rising and setting, the ripples on the water. what conversations they must have had. this was the place my grandpa’s soul could breathe. this was his place with Jesus that nobody else could take away. last night he had his eyes closed and my mom said “dad, you okay?” he said “I’m just dreaming.” She said “about what?” he said, “fishing.” I wonder if the fish are biting up in Heaven..





my grandpa loved the cubs. in his later days his schedule would revolve around the games. even when they lost, he was still their biggest fan, even if that meant he yelled at the T.V. he was also a baseball player himself. a catcher. he played for his church’s team. and he loved it.his knees and hips might not have..(but i thought the fact that one of his shoes had to have an extra wedge put on them was precious).

if my grandpa was on The Price Is Right, he would have won every single game. he watched it every day and had each game down to a science.

my grandpa loved to play games. SkipBo being one of his favorites. he was very competitive. probably one of the most competitive players I have ever met, but the joy which leaked out of him upon him winning..i trade losing every time to see that grin, hear that holler. I remember playing with him about a year ago. he told me, “now amy, this may be the last game you will ever play with me. well, gramps you were right. [I let him win, and yes I got to see the joy].



my grandpa always like to grab my toes and make a silly noise. it always made me giggle.

circus peanuts and pretzels..each time i eat them, I’ll think of you gramps.

my grandpa would sit back and watch. he could see behind people's fake masks. here we are last Christmas as he was telling me about who he knew died their hair and how they were living a lie. we sat and went around the room and he told me about each person in our family, the good and the bad. he took time to look beyond the surface.



bud would always say “you only live once, might as well make it good.” he usually would say this when he wanted salty food, food he wasn’t supposed to be eating. or a big piece of cake. (it was cute to watch him sneak these things. he was such a goober, always up to something). but he had a point. life is too short not to enjoy it.

I can still hear my grandpa walking along with this hymn on his lips “Wonderful, wonderful, Jesus is to me, Counselor, mighty God, Prince of peace is He. Saving me, keeping me from all sin and shame, Wonderful is my Redeemer. Praise His Name.” only now he sings it at the feet of the throne, face to face with Jesus.



so, for the new year, my dear friends, I encourage you all to love your grandparents. (and if your grandparents if the last day ordained for your grandparents has already past, be a surrogate grandchild to someone else). write them a letter. pick of the phone and call them. spend time with the elderly. encourage them. listen to their stories. soak up their wisdom. they have lived life. if they know Jesus, oh how sweet it is to see his faithfulness in someone who has walked daily with Jesus for so long [think about all you have learned since you started walking with Jesus and multiply that by a few decades..woah..right?]. and if they don’t, what better time to lead them to Jesus then when they are nearing death, when they realize that this world is not reality. there is purpose, even in old age. help them see that purpose. don't just take my word for it..it’s biblical!

“Age should speak; advanced years should teach wisdom.” - Job 32:7

“Rise in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly.” - Leviticus 19:32

“Wisdom is with aged men, with long life is understanding.” –Job 12:12



"soon you will read the newspaper that I am dead. don't believe it for a moment. I will be more alive than ever before."



“our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home.” (C. S. Lewis)

enjoy the inns this year dear friends, but know that Home just may be around the bend..and remember that physical life is nothing compared to all the LIFE we have in Him

“Your steadfast love is better than life. God's steadfast love in one hand with physical life in the other. His love trumps life every time.”

"He trained us first, passed us like silver through refining fires, brought us into hardscrabble country, pushed us to our very limit, toad-tested us inside and out, took us to hell and back; Finally He brought us to this well-watered place." -psalm 66:10-12 (the message)






"For You, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver. You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, BUT You brought us to a place of abundance." -psalm 66:10-12 (NIV)

gratitude is the memory of the heart..

due to recent events my heart has took a trip down memory lane, into the historical museum "artifacts of amy's past." i've visited this place often. and i've dreaded it. i would have loved to have given up my tickets of entry. before it's been more like a trap for me, always wanting to leave. each time walking out weighted down with pieces of the rubble on my back, bondage. this time i waltz through the halls. this time i take my time to slowly examine each exhibit carefully, fingering the pictures. i notice the brushstrokes. the beautiful details which consummate together into a beautiful masterpiece. to my surprise the pieces of the puzzle fit. God knew what He was doing all along. why did i doubt? breathing it all in. it all makes sense. i can see the big picture (even though there is an even larger one to be revealed in days to come). this time i leave with a satchel full of memorial stones, causing my heart to remember, and fizz over with thanks! just like the memorial stones in the middle of the Jordan, mine remind me of the places God has led me from. in the Bible, the word remember is repeated countless times. this word now leaps off the page at me, for i have realized how forgetful i am..forgetful of all God is and all He has done. my forgetfulness leads to ungratefulness which yields a dissonance in my walk with my Savior. the Israelites are told to remember that the Lord led them out of Egypt, out of some of the worst times in their lives. my memorial stones mark this same leading in my life. although they were the "worst times" they were the best times. i've walked through fire, but He's made me brighter, leading me into, beautiful places. God is faithful. God restores what is broken. He has made everything beautiful in HIS time. i remember asking God to make me a more thankful person, and He has, in a very unexpected way. looking back no longer makes me cringe, for i look back the grace healed eyes. i pray that He will continue to make me thankful, not just when times are good, but because HE is good.




"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into clarity, problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow."-Melody Beattie


may your heart remember today, may gratitude be the key which unlocks the way..

the MAN by the manger..

You know those stories that your heart becomes calloused to because of their repetitious nature? The Christmas story has over the years become one for me. Yet I am reminded of the fact that the Word is living and active. As a result, words we have heard and read a thousand times can take on fresh meanings at different times in our lives, as well as when we take a different perspective on the story, seeing it through a different lens. By looking beyond the surface, the wonder of the Christmas story has been restored in my heart. For a while I have been like Mary, in Luke 2:19, treasuring up all these things and pondering them in my heart. But the contents of my heart now want to spill out.


This year I have been drawn to Joseph (whom one of my little kindergarteners at church swears name is JoFISH), the earthly father of Jesus, so often overlooked. The most detailed mentioning of Joseph is found Matthew’s account of the birth of Jesus. Sure, you see him standing beside the manger in your nativity scene and see him walking next to Mary who is riding on the donkey in the Christmas pageant, but have you ever tried to see the story through his point of view?

Let’s first of all consider what a beautiful example of a MAN Joseph is. Something stirs inside me for the character of Joseph. Joseph is courageous. Joseph is called a righteous man. Pledged to be married to Mary, he finds out that Mary is with child before they came together, an act which in those times was social suicide at its worst form. In our society having a baby before marriage does not rattle everyone’s feathers (even though it should, for it is against God’s design and will), but the disgrace of this act in Bible times was detrimental. On top of that, what about the fact that Joseph must have felt cheated, concluding Mary was no longer a virgin, her purity tainted? Was he not worth the wait? The woman he was to marry, at this point in his understanding, had slept with another man. Stop and feel the weight of this situation. What would you do? Would you cover your own butt by throwing your fiancé under the bus? Many would be so worried about their reputation that they would do anything in order to avoid the humiliation. Would your anger swell? Joseph could have easily escaped the scandal by heaping more humiliation upon Mary, yet he “did not want to expose her to public disgrace” and therefore “he had in mind to divorce her quietly” (Matthew 1:19). WHAT AN ACT OF LOVE! Soak in the selflessness of this decision. Even when personally wronged, he had the quality of being sensitive to someone else's shame. Wow..you go Joseph! What a man of integrity (even if the world might have said differently)!

“Walking in obedience to God may result in humiliation and disgrace before men. When we obey God, even in the face of adversity and public shame, He leads and guides us.” So God sent Joseph an angel to let him in on the inside secret, that Mary was miraculously still a virgin, for it was the Holy Spirit who conceived the baby in her belly (um excuse me..HOW NEAT IS THAT?!). And then to find out that the baby was Jesus, the one who came to save people from their sin, the long awaited Messiah. I would have wet myself if I was Joseph. Yet, the angel comforted and commanded “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid..” (Matthew 1:20). So Joseph woke up and was obedient, “doing what the angel of the Lord had commanded him,” even though he was about to face much public humiliation. (Little did he know that the public humiliation he faced, His Son Jesus would face at a more extreme degree 33 years later on a cross. Joseph, too, was persecuted for the sake of the gospel..ever thought about that?!). Joseph did what was right in the Lord’s eyes, and therefore was blameless.

I’ve heard that after a couple has a newborn baby, for a long time they have a hard time leaving their baby alone with anyone else. It’s hard to entrust your child with anyone else. Imagine God the Father looking down on humanity to choose an earthly father for His one and ONLY Son..pretty big time huh? Joseph was an average carpenter, yet in God’s eyes he was so much more (the Christmas story show us this over and over again, that the things we think are average and common God uses for so much glory..a manger, a barn, Shepherds being the one chosen to hear the news and spread it, a teenage girl, a worried carpenter..need I say more? May this remind you that God can use YOU for noble purposes, no matter where you find yourself today). What trust God must have had in Joseph. What an honor!

Yet, this also stirred in me the question, “how did Joseph feel that he was not Jesus’ only father?” When Jesus was growing up and was left at the temple and his parents finally found Him, Jesus asked “Why were you searching for Me?...didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” (Luke 2:49). Although they did not understand what he was saying to them (Luke 2:50), I still can’t help but wonder how it made Joseph feel. Jesus was not in his house when Joseph found him…another father? I can see the confused look on Joseph’s face. I know at times when I mention someone being like a “second mom” to me my mother tends to tense up and become protective, because I am her one and only daughter. She becomes very territorial because of the love and the life she has poured into me. But on the other hand, my parents both know that I am not theirs, but my Heavenly Fathers. Yet, I wonder if Joseph understood this or if there was an internal battle when it came to fatherhood. Did Joseph know that his son was the Son of God?!

One last thing that I observe about Joseph is that he always followed the commands of the Lord concerning consecrating his child and presenting him to the Lord. Joseph was faithful in the little things. He rose up his child in the way he should go and passed on the carpentry trade to his son and raised him in the Jewish traditions and spiritual observances. (Not only did he do this for Jesus, but for his other children as well. Remember that Jesus had earthly siblings, too!). He also marveled at what was said about his son and was astonished when he found Jesus sitting in the temple asking teachers questions. You know, Joseph must have been so proud of his son, like all fathers should be.



MEN, take note of the MAN Joseph was. Women, look for a man displaying these qualities. And may we all turn our eyes to see the man standing next to the manger and learn a lesson on selfless love and integrity.

I encourage you to take a different look at the Christmas story this year. A blog I read mentioned a book called Touching Wonder: Recapturing the Awe of Christmas by John Blasé, that does exactly that. It “invites readers to experience the Nativity with fresh wonder. To Eugene Peterson’s The Message Bible translation, John Blasé adds his own storytelling voice, exploring the familiar events from multiple first-person viewpoints. What emerges is the intimate story of unlikely people—a frightened teenaged girl, a worried carpenter, a collection of senior citizens, a disillusioned young shepherd—meeting up with the divine as they bumble and stumble toward the realization that the little one just born is the One. This retold story of Word made flesh invites readers to react appropriately—with eyes opened wide in wonder, jaws dropped in amazement, and hearts rejoicing…” Here is a snippet from it where the writer writes some of what God might have thought that night as his son was born:

“Humans have been shouting their question for millennia: Why in God's name won't you show up? They say it when the moment seems to demand a force to do good: If you are God, then do something. But to show up in those moments would be to come in your name, not Mine. My ways are not your ways. ... She was brave. Only Joseph by her side, a cramped place to give birth, noise everywhere. And more. As she screamed out in pain, the Deceiver stood ready to devour My Son. The heavens shook with war. Michael and his angels reeled. Mighty One, do something!

I AM.”

This Christmas may we see the story of the cross through the lens of the manger. May we remember that Jesus is the Reason for EVERY season. Christmas is not a day, it’s a lifestyle.

running in circles..

it took all of my strength to simply be still..

"I never realized how much energy I spend in figure it out mode. I am fascinated by people, by what makes us come alive, wilt, break, desire, lash out and love. In some ways it makes me a better artist, this social curiosity. But in all the figuring and connecting of dots, I might be missing the point. Slowing invites the mystery to make His home with us. Quiet cuts a path through the chaos in a way study and figuring and reasoning simply can’t touch." -Emily Freeman





I’m so forgetful, but You always remind me
You’re the only one who brings me peace
You’re the only one who brings me peace
So I come, Lord I come I come, Lord I come
To tell you I love you
To tell you I need you

To tell you there’s no better place for me than in your arms
To tell you I’m sorry
For running in circles
For placing my focus on the waves,not on your face

You’re the only one who brings me peace
You’re the only one who brings me peace

In the storm In the storm

“There is nothing that can replace the absence of someone dear to us, and one should not even attempt to do so. One must simply hold out and endure it. At first that sounds very hard, but at the same time it is also a great comfort. For to the extent the emptiness truly remains unfilled one remains connected to the other person through it. It is wrong to say that God fills the emptiness. God in no way fills it but much more leaves it precisely unfilled and thus helps us preserve -- even in pain -- the authentic relationship. Further more, the more beautiful and full the remembrances, the more difficult the separation. But gratitude transforms the torment of memory into silent joy. One bears what was lovely in the past not as a thorn but as a precious gift deep within, a hidden treasure of which one can always be certain.”
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer

“I know how much you grieve over those who are under your care: those you try to help and fail, those you cannot help. Have faith in God and remember that He will is His own way and in His own time complete what we so poorly attempt. Often we do not achieve for others the good that we intend but achieve something, something that goes on from our effort. Good is an overflow. Where we generously and sincerely intend it, we are engaged in a work of creation which may be mysterious even to ourselves - and because it is mysterious we may be afraid of it. But this should not make us draw back. God can always show us, if we will, a higher and a better war; and we can only learn to love by loving. Remember that all our failures are ultimately failures in love. Imperfect love must not be condemned and rejected but made perfect. The way is always forward, never back.”